A new year

It's 2013 (duh).  Time to make some new resolutions.

1. Try much, much harder to stay in touch with people.  I've been horrible the past few months okay, years with that.  My day is so in-my-face that when I think I should probably call some people, it's usually 7pm or after the kids are down for the night and I have a moment's peace to think for myself.  And by then it's usually too late.  I know, I suck.  But I will be trying harder.

2. Lose weight / get in shape.  I recently had a consult with a plastic surgeon who said that I do in fact have an umbilical hernia, however Tricare will not cover the procedure since it's not considered medically necessary (but they WILL cover emergency surgery should the hernia get worse... I know, I'm shaking my head, too).  So, since I will be paying out of pocket (because I sure as sh!t think it's necessary), I will also be getting my diastasis fixed and getting a tummy tuck.  I figure, since they're already in there, why not?  Besides, the surgeon pointed out that no amount of exercise is going to get rid of the excess skin, of which I apparently have quite a bit.  Anyway, that will prepare my body for more intense exercise sessions, which hopefully will lead to some weight loss.  Right now, I just feel like I'm so limited in what I can and can't do because of my stomach.

3. Stop snacking.  Oh man, it's my achilles heel.  Because of my stomach's condition, I never feel full.  I could eat and eat and eat, and still not get that "stuffed" feeling (thank you, separated abs, for allowing my stomach to balloon to its heart's content).  Hubby joked that I should enter eating competitions because I have a physical advantage!  But it's pretty disturbing at how much I can put away.  So far, I've been doing well, and I'm amazed and how little I need to eat.

I think three is a good starting point.

Thoughts on guns

So you all have heard of the CT shootings.  Since then, I've heard everything from "guns should be banned!" to "more guns are the solution!"  I'm not here to say I have a solution... If I did, I certainly would be declaring it for all to hear.  But I do have some thoughts.

The banning of guns incites the most thoughts on this topic, mostly because I don't feel banning anything makes the problem go away.  Sure, it sounds great on paper, and those that support this idea are not the ones that would do anything to kill people, but the people to who this law is directed are exactly the people that DON'T follow the law.  It's just a sad, unfortunate fact.  To state the obvious, criminals, by definition, don't follow the law.  Banning guns would only ensure the crazy people are the ones purchasing them on the inevitable black market- the rest of the sane gun-toting population wouldn't risk breaking the law and being punished.  Okay, maybe some would, but the ones with those dark, sinister motives definitely would.

Let's look back in our history.  Prohibition- banned alcohol.  But did it stop people from buying it on the black market and drinking it?  Nope.  We also made abortions illegal.  That didn't stop women from seeking the procedure.  And of course, heroin, cocaine, and meth are illegal, but according to the UN, drug abuse kills 200,000 people each year.  If we banned guns, it wouldn't stop people from purchasing them.  It would just make it impossible for states to conduct background checks and keep tabs on who buys them.

Now, let's talk about the flip side of the argument.  More gun presence in schools may be effective, but it doesn't always make sense to fight fire with fire.  It certainly wouldn't have been plausible to think several weeks ago that an elementary school in CT would need one.  Would an armed officer have prevented this kind of massacre?  I don't know.  Probably not- after all, if a person is so deranged as to want to light up a first grade classroom, they're not going to let anything stop them.

What we have here doesn't seem to be a gun issue as much as a mental health issue.  What I propose is to strongly suggest a yearly mental health check up.  It makes sense to me- you get a yearly physical check up, why not a yearly mental check up?  I think it's a start.

As far as the gun issue, I don't have any solutions or ideas or theories.  But I think we can all agree that this shooting was a tragedy and something needs to change to prevent these kinds of things from happening at supposed safe schools.

What are your thoughts?

Neurotypical is just not my typical.

A friend of mine recently got rid of her son's kiddie items that he'd outgrown and was feeling a little sad and nostalgic about it.  Her four year old son then told her that she could call him "sunshine" and "baby boy", even if he was all grown up and in college, then gave her a big hug.

When I heard that, I thought, wow, that kid is super sweet!  Why doesn't my four year old say that?  Then I remembered that LB has Aspergers, and will probably never be able to say something like that ever.

It really put things into light how different my son is.  I've kind of forgotten what it's like to have a neurotypical kid, and what it's like to connect with your own flesh and blood.  It makes me sad, selfishly, to think that he'll never be able to empathize with our feelings, or to understand other people's emotions.  And it makes me sad for him that he'll never experience that.  Of course, he'll never know the difference, so hopefully it will be easier to not know what he's missing out on.

But for me, it's just torture.  He'll hug me, but it's guarded.  He pulls away.  He never relaxes in my arms.  He'll kiss me, then wipe it away because he hates the sensation.  I'm trying desperately to forget "actions speak louder than words"- I know he loves me (I think), but is unable to show it.  I've seen him make strides in OT and preschool, but it's still so structured and rote.  There's nothing really spontaneous and organic about his affection, and I don't think there ever will be.

I'm sorry this has been a Debbie Downer blog for the past several posts.  I know I need to start seeing the silver lining to things, but I'm in a serious funk and just can't get my head out of it.

Am I in middle school again??

I recently got into a huge argument with my sister.  No- it was more like a screaming match.  Why?  Because of stupid facebook.  Seriously.  I thought I was in the clear with facebook drama by removing friends that were going off the deep end, and I really, honestly NEVER expected her, of all people, to say what she said.

Just a little background... she (we'll call her T) has been dating this guy for over a year now.  He comes to family functions and weddings and has slept over at our house.  They recently went on a big around-the-world trip.  They say "I love you" to each other.

I was friends with both of them on facebook.  When someone accepts your friend request, I always thought it meant that you were, like, friends and all.  So I commented here and there.  A "it was great to see you again!" and a "I miss you guys!", nothing too in-depth, although I PMed him once, to ask his opinion on a gift I bought for T's birthday.

Just a few days ago, I received a message from T.  She said that my comments to her boyfriend were "forward and suggestive".  She said that because of their slow progress toward having a relationship, she was feeling uncomfortable with it.

I initially said "WHAT??!!", but thought that a phone call would clear things up.  That phone call actually turned into the most ridiculous fight I've had as an adult.  I knew she was dealing with some serious trust issues, but I had no idea that she would actually fabricate intentions that weren't there.  She had said in her message that she wasn't saying I was doing anything intentional, but if that were true, she wouldn't take those comments as something they weren't.  She told me she was having issues trusting her boyfriend around other girls and that I don't know him well enough to be saying anything to him.  She also said that my comments should have included her, by tagging her or mentioning her name.  I said I would de-friend her boyfriend because there's nothing else I can do to appease her, and she said that was fine, if that's what I wanted to do.

That's when I kinda blew up.  No, I didn't want to delete someone, just because someone else feels upset.  It was so middle school- "you have to be friends with ME, not THEM!"  And the part that drove me up a wall is that she honestly thinks I'm trying to hit on her boyfriend.  I asked for proof, to provide me with exactly what was said that would be offensive, and she couldn't.  I told her that she has some serious issues, that this is HER problem, not mine, and that she needs to work it out on her own.... then I hung up on her.  I know, that was childish, but I was boiling mad.

I just don't understand the whole thing.  This is a guy that she's been dating for over a year, and she doesn't want her sister to get to know him at all?  It also doesn't make any sense, because not once have I "stolen" a boyfriend from her.  To be honest, I'm not as pretty as her, so it would have been impossible, even if I wanted to.  I don't think I was being forward and suggestive- I didn't say anything to him that I wouldn't have said to my brother's girlfriend, or my best friend's ex-husband, or anyone for that matter.

So I deleted and blocked both of them.  I'm currently not speaking to her- I feel she owes me an apology for her slander.  She says that he also feels I was being suggestive, but I can't imagine why someone would take offense to me caring about them.  And if that IS true, and he thinks that my comments were out of line, then the two crazies deserve each other.

A semi-honest update

Well, it's been awhile since I've been on here.  There have been a lot of things going on, but nothing I wasn't mum about.  However, I'm running out of stupid things to say to fill the space of what I don't say, so here goes.

First, I'd like to come clean about my mental health.  I'm battling depression.  I've been up and down on the depression roller coaster, and lately it's been down.  So much so that I am currently on Zoloft.  No, I'm not suicidal.  In fact, that's the main reason I put off seeking treatment for so long.  I just assumed I was a mega-irritable bitch.  But, it turns out that depression can be displayed as anger, and you know what?  I feel a million times better on Zoloft.  It makes me think that I probably should have been on it for the past two decades!  I've been going to weekly therapy sessions, and in those sessions, I've come to my next semi-honest confession.

Things are not great here in mi casa.  There are some issues with the husband that I am trying to deal with, but getting a lot of push-back as to whether anything is actually wrong.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that he is controlling and narcissistic, and thinking about whether I want to ride on the highs and lows of his ego cycle for the rest of my life.  It's been tough trying to express my feelings when they are invalidated.  And it's tough trying to work on a problem that I perceive when he doesn't.

Things with the kids are okay.  JC is now three and acting completely irrational.  LB has been making strides in OT and at school, though there are still some problematic behaviors.  I've put potty training on the waaaaay back burner- seriously, there's enough to worry about than to throw in forcing the toilet on a kid who's perfectly content to pee and poop in his pants.

Next semi-honest confession, this stupid truck is breaking our bank.  Really.  Just paying the bills, and after putting aside money for diesel and groceries, it leaves not a lot at all.  The $1K truck payment is just too much, but I'm the only one that thinks so.

Another confession, I'm starting to hate the gym.  I don't feel good finishing up a workout- I feel resentful.  After a particularly nasty argument, the husband imposed a three month plan on me, which involves five days a week of working out (and he means working out HARD), two hours a day of alone time, and limiting the internet to 1 hour a day.  I laughed about the alone time (with kids? Psh!) and the limitations on internet usage, but the gym thing bothered me.  He feels he can "cure" my depression with the gym, and my body in general has been a hot button issue for us.  Twenty pounds ago, just after we were married, he said that he wasn't attracted to my any more because I had gained five pounds.  Now, he keeps pushing the gym more and more, and the more he pushes, the more I hate it and don't want to go.

So there you have it, and now you know why I've been quiet for the past few months!

Real stupid stuff

Have you ever done something pretty dumb?  Like, really, really stupid?  Like the time I swiped Cascade off the kitchen counter thinking I had dripped blue cookie icing?  I have another....

My Clinique make up remover cream is in a small, light green bottle.  My Fekkai hair glossing cream is also in a small, light green bottle.  They are both even the same shape.  And, since I am glasses-free when taking off my eye make up, guess what I did.  Really, guess.  I'll give you some time....













Did you guess that I'd rub hair glossing cream all over my eyes?  Yes?  Then you'd be absolutely right.  Oh, and btw, rubbing hair stuff purposefully into your eyes really effing stings.

I am all shades of awesome

I designed the pattern and hand stitched this in two days for LB's Halloween costume.  Didn't think it would look anything like an eagle, but I surprised myself!